tootsie

[tootsie]

suicide: (n.)

[downwiththefuckingship]

there’s a cliff in town. you heard somewhere that someone jumped from it back in high school. no one talks about it. you woke up one day and you notice it where your front yard used to be. you’d never actually seen it before. but it’s there now. you tell your mother and tells you to pray. you tell your father and he asks you if you want to fishing. you mention it to friends and they change the subject. you want to ask strangers if they can hear that strange distant ringing too. you don’t want to leave the house anymore. not with this thing in your yard. you start thinking every room is dark with you inside of it. you don’t know if the cliff is moving closer to you or if you are moving closer to it. it doesn’t matter now anyway. coffee shakes without the coffee. who cares. you’re not sleeping anyway. you feel so clumsy. you don’t want to talk about it anymore. you woke up this morning and your feet are dangling over the edge. you can’t remember how you got here anymore. everything is in pieces. everything is rushing. everything is so very very still. you remember the how relieved someone is when they drop something and realize it wasn’t very important when it hits the ground. you wonder if anyone will sigh in relief.

[tootsie]

[noteventhatcooll]

Touchy girls are the best. Like yes play with my hair, give me arm tickles, and hold my hand whenever you want. There are very few things more great than skin on skin contact with the person you love.

[tootsie]

[inkskinned]

negativity is addictive. i try to remind myself of this, because i feel like i belong in it, drowning in it. i can’t be surprised about bad things if i am the bad thing. it was easier half the time. i didn’t have the energy. forcing positivity felt like just another weight to me. nothing in me felt good, so why should i pretend i’m happy? it was funnier anyway. everybody laughed when i said “i’m dying.” everybody laughed when i said “if i talk about it i’ll just start crying.” 

it’s easier to say “i won’t get it” than hope for something. i spiral out of control when i lose hope. it’s easier to not get close to people because if you assume they’re not your friend, they won’t be. it’s easier to call my own work terrible than to wonder what other people think of me.

the problem is it piles up. i didn’t bother with the application because i’m not worth it. nothing good happens on this earth to me. i didn’t text her, she only said she liked me because she doesn’t really know me. i don’t care and i don’t care and i don’t care. what else do you want from me. i’m dead inside already.

“don’t be so negative,” she says to me. 

“okay, i’m positive this will go badly.”

cue laughter. cue smiling.

[tootsie]

[latelycravingmore]

I’m at the point in my life where I need you to be straight up honest and back up every word you say with actions. If you miss me, tell me. If you wanna see me, show up or ask me to come over. If you’re upset with me or something in general, tell me. I’ve done the whole playing games, chasing hearts around that never belonged to me. I’m done doing it. If you want me, I’m here, where I’ve been. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

[tootsie]

[tootsie]

[actualhenkle]

Honestly what the fuck actually happened

from the Eric Andre show

[tootsie]

[kant]

for 2017 im gonna fuck off 

[tootsie]

[cancerbiophd]

honestly one of the best things grad school’s taught me so far is it’s okay to be wrong or admit you don’t know something. i used to be terrified and embarrassed to be wrong or not know the answer to a question. but now my boss says “i don’t know” all the time. i hear other professors go “huh that’s interesting i’ve never thought about that!” during lectures or seminars. i’ve witnessed nationally renowned speakers say “you know what, i have no idea” to hundreds of people in the audience. and when someone’s wrong they just go “i apologize. that’s my mistake” and it’s great. i have so much respect for people who can admit they don’t know or were wrong about something. because honestly any specialty in science is sooo huge and always changing and it’s just impossible to know everything about anything ya know? so not knowing something or admitting you’re wrong is a-ok and i love it. 

[tootsie]

[leggylance]

depression will be CANCELLED tomorrow, july 28, 2017 !!!!!!!!!!

[afrodeitys]

thank you for curing us all

[tootsie]

There is something deeply wrong with me that has inhabited my mind for many years. I do not know if it’s from the lack of self love or from another reason, but no matter the situation, I cannot feel loved. I just do not feel significant to this world. If anything, I feel like the affection and kind words from other humans are cruel fabrications to fill me up with false hope. I wish for one day, I feel reciprocation when it is happening. I wish for one day, I can feel loved when I am.

I am working on self love (via drinkt0forget)